What better time to provide some totally unscientific, unapologetically subjective insights into what your go-to doughnut choice says about you? Think of this as your horoscope, but instead of looking to the stars, you can look to the shelves of your local doughnut shop.
You may be a bit scatter-brained, but no sweat, it comes off endearing most of the time. You’re super pop culture and gossip-friendly. Everyone wants you to come to their party, because you personify fun and you keep people on their toes. The only downfall of bringing you with them? You’re the last to leave.
2. MAPLE DIP
You’re basic in an un-ironic way. You collect vinyl and may even have a vinyl Instagram account to subject others to your musical passion. You frown upon dating apps and instead think the best way to meet someone is at a new, cocktail-forward bar, but you’ve been going there before it became “cool.” You and the bartender relate on an intellectual level (or at least you like to think so). Your inevitable partner will wear a topknot and if you could grow one, you would, too.
3. OLD-FASHION PLAIN
People say you’re an old soul. You take leisurely baths. You have two eggs every morning for breakfast at 7 a.m. You read the New York Times every Sunday morning, with your university mug of black coffee and jazz in the background. You don’t believe in horoscopes, or articles such as this that can dictate your personality based on something as vapid as your doughnut choice. And yet, you’re still reading this, as you peer over your glasses and smile pleasantly to yourself.
4. CHOCOLATE DIP
You’re all about family and live an authentic lifestyle. You haven’t uttered a lie since you were transformed after reading a copy of The Four Agreements. You cut your doughnut in half because you, my friend, possess self-control. And when you do nibble at it, you do so with a fork and a knife. You’ve been wearing the same pair of Levi’s since the 1970s, and you know what? You look great in them.
5. POWDERED DOUGHNUT
Your friends are your first priority, and you ooze a sense of confidence that attracts others like a moth to a flame, yet you’re oblivious to your power. You’re the type of person who may have a date lined up, but you cancel it because Mercury is in retrograde.
6. SOUR-CREAM GLAZED
You always imagined you’d be married by 30, with a dog, two kids down and two more to go. You drive an SUV and live a happy, but mundane life. You watered your garden earlier today even though the forecast called for rain. When someone offers you a doughnut, you say, “I shouldn’t” or “Maybe just a sliver,” but you eat the whole thing in a matter of seconds.
You live by the motto “You catch more flies with honey.” Reese Witherspoon is your favourite actress and you have one of her latest book club picks on your nightstand. Some call you a people-pleaser behind your back, but hey, you’re just not one for conflict. You’ve had the same group of friends since high school and they’d all describe you as sweet and loving.
8. HONEY CRULLER
You “eat clean” and have mushroom tea in your kitchen cabinet. You end each night by lathering your face in anti-aging serum, and start each morning with a litre of water with lemon. The homepage on your computer is set on Goop, and whenever you’re out with friends you spend half the time telling them about how much (insert latest craze here) has worked for you. You barely remember what a doughnut is.
9. DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE GLAZED
You naughty little devil. You know the phrase “Caught with a hand in the cookie jar?” It was one of the first things you learned. People fear your aggression on the road, and who can blame them? You’re always in a rush and you have an affinity for tail-gating. But deep down, you have more bark than bite. You’re a sensitive soul, and contain multitudes.
10. BOSTON CREAM
You invite yourself to parties. When you leave, you take an extra swag bag and hope that no one noticed. You’re cheering for the Las Vegas Knights, but didn’t even know Vegas had a hockey team until a month ago. You celebrate your birthday for the entire month, and during patio season, you keep your sunglasses on long after the sun has already set.
11. DESIGNER DOUGHNUTS
You’re the type of person who totally wants to bail on plans, but doesn’t want to be the one to cancel them. You send a “We still on?” text in hopes that, no, you’re not still on. When you find out you are, you try to think of what you can say to lure your friend to bail. Suggest a spot in your hood? Tell them you’re coming down with something but excited to see them anyways? Pretend your phone died? But no, you don’t act on any of those ideas, choosing instead to text back, “Can’t wait!” When the person doesn’t respond, you send another text: “Just putting this out there, but no pressure at all, but do you think we can reschedule to another day, maybe next week?” They say “Sure,” and you can’t believe your luck. Then, you keep looking back at that toneless text that lacks an exclamation or any emoji, and you convince yourself your friend is disappointed. Guilt gets the better of you. “Never mind, let’s do this!” you text back, and then hate yourself immediately.
12. APPLE FRITTER
You are bearded and your hair is a bit long. You have kind eyes, your children and grandchildren love you, and you are my father.
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